why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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