There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I think your dad took our porno
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
