Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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