I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
