Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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