you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
