The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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