I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Ketchup is God's man juice
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
is that a dick in a sweater?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
