you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
