now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
