New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
