He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
