I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
