He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
