Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
