I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
