someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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