You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
