I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
