If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
