I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
