I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
i need some magic done to my vagina
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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