i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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