If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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