If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
