i may or may not be watching the land before time
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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