I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Congratulations! We have a period
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