best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
