Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
