yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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