I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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