So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
