So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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