It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
