I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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