I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
