I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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