Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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