I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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