My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
