life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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