I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
