I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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