between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
