I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
