Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
