Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
