Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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