I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
