Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
