In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
