also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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