Just took my morning after pill in the library
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
