i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm passing your future prison.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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