she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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