its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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