I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
