My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
