I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
